When we are healthy and feeling well, the holidays can’t come soon enough. The season blazes bright and hope feels abundant. Many live for this time of year and are eager to dive in headfirst. In my West Akron neighborhood, outdoor Christmas lights begin to pop up shortly following Halloween. Perhaps people are thinking ahead and don’t want to hang lights in the bitter cold or snow. Whether excited or practical, some are eagerly preparing for the holiday hubbub. For some it is less hubbub and more humbug. What if life has lost its luster for you? You feel anxious for reasons that don’t seem logical. Or perhaps you find yourself in the middle of a depressive episode? Maybe you have lost a loved one? Maybe just getting out of bed or taking a shower feels impossible, never mind the rummaging through the attic for your menorah or nativity scene?
Millions of Americans struggle during this holiday season. If you happen to be one of them, you are certainly and unequivocally not alone. So what can you do? What is my number one recommendation as a mental health therapist?
Stay connected.
Yeah, yeah, I get it. Probably not what some of you want to hear.
In 2023, Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy deemed loneliness in the U.S. a national epidemic. As a therapist, I appreciated his efforts to illuminate loneliness as pervasive and far-reaching. Many of us in the behavioral health sciences witnessed its expansion years before the pandemic. Loneliness seems to have grown exponentially even within the mental health population. I began to see an uptick in the amount of clients talking about it around the mid 2010s. People came into group therapy making statements such as “it feels so good to be around a bunch of people who actually understand me.” These sentiments aren’t entirely new but the frequency of them was. I believe there is an unknown segment of our population that is trying to do life disconnected and on their own.
This isolation has MONUMENTAL impacts. The Surgeon General indicated the following items are being impacted negatively by loneliness.
- Survival and Mortality
- Cardiovascular Disease
- Hypertension
- Diabetes
- Infectious Diseases
- Cognitive Function
- Depression and Anxiety
- Suicidality and Self-Harm
The holidays have a way of amplifying loneliness for those who are already struggling. So how do we stay connected during the holidays? Fortunately, there are truly lots of practical ways and here are a few.
If you are on good terms with your family, make yourself go to get-togethers. Don’t bail at the last minute. However, you might want to lower your expectations of yourself and lower your expectations of your family going in. Now is not the time to mull over deep seated family of origin issues. Here are some ideas for how to get through the gatherings without the wrong kind of holiday hubbub.
Go for a shortened time frame instead of the entire evening.
Call a friend if you need a dose of objective reality while you are there.
Take a walk if you feel overwhelmed or just need a breath of fresh air.
Cook one dish instead of hosting the whole meal or get something store made instead of cooking. It is unreasonable to expect the same things out of yourself when you don't feel well. Give yourself a break.
Have a plan in advance. Drive separately. Park your car where you will not get parked in. If you need to leave early you can do so with ease.
Be honest in advance with someone that you haven't been feeling well. It can be helpful at times to drop the mask, even with just one family member. Recruit one ally who will be aware of of how you are feeling. Allowing someone to support you is not a weakness or a burden.
Give yourself permission to forgo family events. If your family tends to trigger high emotional stress, consider if the extra discomfort is worth it. If they resist your decision to stay home, let them have those feelings. You are not responsible for how they react. Do not overexplain. You have the right to do what is best for your health without explanation. If your family doesn’t get it, maybe you say, “This is what is best for me this year.”
Spend a holiday with a friend’s family. My sister-in-law invited a neighbor and her son to her Thanksgiving dinner this year. She and I had the loveliest of conversations which gave us both the gift of getting to know someone new.
If family members live in proximity, set up times to visit one on one. Rather than attend overstimulating group functions, meet with them on an alternative date.
Reconnect with someone you haven’t seen or talked to in years by initiating contact. I love it when someone I have lost touch with calls me out of the blue to reconnect. Friends are just happy to hear from each other. Who cares how much time has passed?
Volunteer your time. To give of yourself helps you to recognize the blessings you do have and helps you to get your mind off of yourself. Thinking of someone else’s needs can be a breath of fresh air and a break from your problems.
Hang out with animals and children during the holidays. If you want to live in the moment and momentarily let go of dwelling on the past or future, make these your focus. When in group settings, gravitate to kids and pets. Unless you already have an aversion to either, you may just feel a sense of wonder and playfulness you forgot were available.
Get or go back to a therapist who you can talk to honestly and openly about your life. Now’s a better time than any. Bad experience in counseling? Don’t let that stop you! I’d say that is somewhat of a norm, unfortunately. Just as there are teachers you did not care for in school, that others loved, there are counselors who, too, won’t be your jam. I bet there is at least one teacher you remember fondly. There is a therapist out there for you but you need to be patient. Don't call off the search prematurely before you find your match. I’ve seen multiple therapists personally who were skilled and probably help a lot of people, but didn't work for me. I’ve also found several over the course of my life that were life changing. Stay persistent.
Consider doing group therapy. I have a small, adult therapy group whose mission is to get more skilled at forming authentic relationships. I wish I had a dollar for every person in group who told me they wish they had done group therapy sooner. Don't take me the wrong way, I'm not touting my abilities here. The group's success has more to do with the members' experience of validation and connection. Interpersonal group therapy fosters a safe, nonjudgmental, protective setting for people to work on communication skills, development of empathy for self/others, assertiveness training, and the ability to overcome rejection sensitivity. The group offers unique interpersonal dynamics that cannot be replicated in one-on-one sessions. In fact, overwhelming research has shown for decades that group therapy is every bit as effective as individual therapy. Who doesn't want to feel more deeply understood? Maybe you are looking to stay more true to yourself during conflict? Group therapy is a hidden gem in mental health healing. It is also more affordable. More information is available below if you are interested.
Connecting may not be your first or even your second thought during the holiday season if you are not feeling yourself. However, after witnessing countless individuals recover from seemingly hopeless states of body and mind, over the course of my career, connection is an essential part of the healing process. There is no doubt in my mind; someone out there wants to really get to know you for who you really are. As one of my great counselors J.R. Abrahamsen used to say, "Don’t deprive the world of you! Don’t deprive you of you!"
Amanda Baker is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) and Licensed Independent Chemical Dependency Counselor (LICDC) in the state of Ohio. She has been working in the social work and counseling field for 25+ years. Her specialties include working with adults who have problems with stress, self-worth, work-related difficulties, relationship issues, substance use, depressive disorders, anxiety disorders, bipolar disorders, codependency, grief, ADHD, panic disorder, and life transition issues. She has worked extensively with the LGBTQ community and those who have experienced racial trauma. She has an online telehealth private practice seeing people individually or in group therapy. She currently offers an adult group therapy group called "Authentic Connection" via telehealth for adults of any age on Wednesday nights from 6-7:30 pm. For more information please visit her website below.
Visit amandabakercounseling.com or call (330)203-1844 for a free 15-minute consultation.
Amanda Baker
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) and Licensed Independent Chemical Dependency Counselor (LICDC) in the state of Ohio
*If you are considering suicide or self harm, please get help now. You can call the Ohio Mental Health Hotline at 1-866-9030-3787 or the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988.
