Better Together

Photographs fill Dorothy Kennedy’s hutch, the coffee table is crowded with wooden frames — a smiling boy riding a lawn mower, class portraits, sisters’ arms wrapped around each other. They’re all reminders of the people the 93-year-old Akron resident loves. Her favorite is a 1946 newspaper clip of her late husband, Clarence, playing basketball as a young man. Across the room is their wedding photo taken the following summer, Kennedy wearing a pleated dress and the same smile she has today. After 72 years of marriage, it’s just her now.

Throughout the past decade, Kennedy lost her husband and three children. It was a devastating realization that she had outlived the ones closest to her — an empty space that left a need for connection.

“I miss them so much, I really can’t believe they’re all gone,” she says. “I have some bad times thinking about it because I was really close to those kids.”

Kennedy isn’t alone in her loss. One in five seniors are socially isolated from friends or family, a University of Michigan study found, and other research shows that number increases for widows.

Loneliness has been described as a “fertilizer for other diseases,” meaning it can weaken the immune system and cause further declines in health. These feelings can raise stress hormone levels and inflammation, which increases the risk of heart disease, obesity, anxiety, depression, Alzheimer’s disease and cognitive decline, according to the National Institute on Aging.

“One of the reasons that we’re [researchers] so concerned about loneliness is because it’s often related to depression, and that can cause people to be very self neglecting.” says Dr. Harvey Sterns, chairman of Akron’s Senior Citizens Commission and The University of Akron’s Institute for Lifespan Development in Gerontology.

Over time, friends and family might move away, lose touch or die — which brings unique struggles to older adults. Since we are social creatures by nature, building strong social relationships is the most important thing we can do to avoid loneliness, says Sterns. “You could be sitting in a beautiful home in a very fancy part of Akron and still be lonely. It’s not just income factors. It really has a lot to do with your social relationships and friendship networks.”

Death created wide gaps in Kennedy’s life, the phone calls with her children she’d never have again, her husband’s empty seat in the living room.

“I found that I was watching something on TV or reading, and I would go to turn my head to say something, and he wasn’t there,” she says. “I would do that a lot. It seemed like he should be sitting in that chair up there or sitting here across the table from me.”

While experiencing grief, having a confidant can buffer the declines we see in mental and physical health with isolation.

“What’s interesting is that you don’t need a lot of people not to feel lonely,” Sterns says. “Having significant relationships, it can be family members or friends — even small in numbers — if they are good quality, people don’t feel lonely.”

When Kennedy struggles, her family is there to make her feel loved, whether it’s dinner on Sunday nights or taking her to get her hair done —  she doesn’t go more than 10 days without making sure her curls are fixed at the salon.

Her 7-year-old great-great granddaughter, Skyla, lives next door — she still finds grandpa’s hat to wear around the house when she comes over. Mary Elizabeth, her daughter in-law, checks in throughout the week. Kennedy still receives holiday cards and letters from her friends and Clarence’s sister. Her grandchildren, Don and Lorrie, who also live next door, don’t go a day without speaking to Kennedy. “They call me and they expect me to call them,” she says. “Every night they say, ‘Have you eaten yet?’ And they fix me dinner or see I have it.”

It helps to know that she has a handful of people she can call anytime, any day — they will be there for her. It’s Kennedy’s meaningful relationships that have helped her through loss, she says, the kids give her a purpose in life.

Eleven percent of seniors are specifically isolated from their friends, the University of Michigan study found. Older adults who want to connect with their peers can find meaningful companionship outside of their family in community groups.

Among the dozens of local options is Ed Davis Seniors based in Akron. They meet twice a month to engage in activities, such as playing bingo over coffee and pastries or giving back to the community by donating hats and coats to Akron Public Schools. But it’s more than just a way to keep busy.

“We will treat you like family,” says President Serita Robinson. “We are warm, loving people. We have the concern of one another — if one person hurts, we all hurt.”

Ed Davis has around 30 members who pay a yearly fee, which covers the cost of ice cream socials, movie and popcorn days, and prizes you can win during games. There’s a camaraderie among the group — if someone misses a meeting or two, they check in to make sure the person is OK. A woman recently called Robinson and said that she’d be interested in coming to meetings because she’s retired, sitting at home with nothing to do. Robinson was excited to hear how thrilled she was and offered to drive her to meetings if she’s in the neighborhood. This is an instance of Robinson’s community-centered approach to leading Ed Davis, welcoming everyone with open arms.

“My joy is to see joy on their faces,” she says. “I feel like I’m uplifting these people.”

Finding people to laugh and check-in with looks different for everyone — it could be signing up for senior groups or reconnecting with friends and family members to eat dinner once a week.

Though experiencing loss is challenging, Kennedy is reminded of her loved ones with the photographs filling her home. They are a testament of her deep connection with those she’s lost and the ones still ringing her telephone.

“I’m alone in the house,” she says, “but I don’t feel lonely.”

Kennedy and Robinson are a demonstration of the influence our social relationships have on our well-being — the significance of a simple, “I’m here for you.” Our connections give us a sense of purpose, they’re the fundamentals of being human and can get us through anything.

Find more Akron senior groups at akronohio.gov.